introspection, part deux

Ok... so this trip I've been on has been cool and intriguing and beautiful and curious.... It's been good; really good to think about Dwight and Paul and Joey and Gordon and all of the others who have come and gone. Wanting to connect with those who are still alive. Just to say "hi", or whatever. But, overwhelming my thoughts go to Dwight.

Why couldn't you hang in there for just a little bit longer? I still miss you. And it pisses me off and I smile at myself for being pissed off that you died.

And then there's Paul Grady. Beautiful friend and amazing writer. A sort of vagabond spirit... I so envied you. While you were bouncing between P-town, Seattle, Portland and San Francisco, I was an indentured servant in the US Navy. How disparate and unique our two lives were - and yet we connected and became good friends. You were so sweet and I value your letters, and poetry.

that's all for now

better.now.

brownish
. purplish lesions outside
and in
. you asked "were those just fuck-
fuck days?"
. and i said "no didn't
you know
. how much i really did
love you."
. too inexperienced
in love
. and me too naive to
accept
. your dying invited
you to
. visit when you're feeling
better.
now.

billy berko
0902.08

introspection

These past couple of weeks have been quite a ride: Filled with introspection and rememberance. It all started with this innocuous exercise on Facebook - writing "25 Random things about me." But, what started as a relatively benign exercise turned into an incredibly deep and rewarding experience.

In contemplating these random things that have been part of my life, I found myself, and continue to find myself, having this incredible journey: Remembering amazing experiences and people. In fact, I have spent an inordinate amount of time - in fact more time than I have in a very long while - thinking about one of the key turning points of my life... Falling in love the very first time. It's wild to think about Dwight Alan McMullen. At times I think that perhaps I should feel guilty about still harboring such intense feelings for him... long dead.... but still such a part of the fabric of my being. Should I retain these feelings still after being with Kurt for the past 18 years?

Weird, huh? But, I feel so at peace. And Kurt tells me that he's not worried. Dwight's dead, after all. Ahhh, but what if Dwight was still alive? That's the big unanswerable question. :)

But, it's good. I called Dwight's mom today. I haven't spoken to her since Dwight died 18 years ago. It was overdue.